IMRE SALUSINSZKY
Can't get no UN satisfaction? Try an ageing rock star
March 14, 2005
The Australian
FAR from being greeted with ridicule, the suggestion that U2 lead singer Bono might become the next president of the World Bank should inspire us to reflect on which other old rock stars might be qualified to head large international agencies.
OK, do-gooder Bono has the World Bank sewn up, but I propose Willie Nelson for head of the International Monetary Fund. His knowledge of the treatment of debt -- not least his own debt to the US Internal Revenue Service -- makes him a natural.
Let's say straight up that the next secretary-general of the UN should be "Saint" Bob Geldof. Only the man who managed to get so many pretentious rock stars to "check their egos at the door" during Live Aid in 1985 has any realistic chance of getting the Israelis and Palestinians to the negotiating table.
I've been trawling through the UN's list of official agencies looking for further ideas. Some of those I'm about to mention might sound like the figments and fragments of Courtney Love's imagination after a night on the VB, but believe me, they exist.
So yes, Virginia, there really is a UN Office for Outer Space Affairs, based in Vienna. (If you've ever been to Vienna, you'll understand why that's the location.) And who better to head it than renowned outer-space explorer Ozzy Osbourne, ably assisted by space cadets Kelly and Jack?
Likewise, I doubt there can be much competition for the incoming head of the UN's International Institute of Ageing. Pack your valise and book your one-way ticket to Malta -- Keith Richards! And when Keef is finished with that, he can take over the World Health Organisation.
The Food and Agriculture Organisation should be headed by Elton John, with Van Morrison as his alternate. Both have exhibited a passionate interest in food throughout their long careers. And for similar reasons, the presidency of UNICEF should be shared by Michael Jackson and Gary Glitter.
Leadership of the United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime will surely be the subject of heated competition among rock stars.
James Brown, David Crosby and Snoop Dogg are only the beginning of an impressive slate of candidates.
Next we come to the UN's Inter-Agency Network on Women and Gender Equality. For the outstanding contribution their lyrics have made to this cause, I propose Mick Jagger, Rod Stewart and David Lee Roth as joint chairmen of this agency. Their likely first policy innovation: a topless typing pool.
Dave Gilmour and Roger Waters from Pink Floyd instantly recommend themselves to head the UN's International Bureau of Education. Has there ever been a more ringing endorsement of the ideals of education than their song, Another Brick in the Wall? A snippet:
We don't need no education,
We don't need no thought control,
No dark sarcasm in the classroom.
Teachers leave them kids alone:
Hey! Teachers! Leave them kids alone!
Apparently Gareth Evans wants to become UN High Commissioner for Refugees. Fine, but only because the King is unavailable. Given the size of his entourage -- ie, the number of hangers-on and dead-beats he fed and clothed -- nobody would have been better qualified than Elvis to look after the needs of the world's rejected and stateless.
Chairmanship of the International Seabed Authority should go to one of the many rock stars who live down there permanently, from Dennis Wilson to Jeff Buckley to Brian Jones. (Yeah, I know, Jones drowned in a swimming pool. What am I writing here, a PhD?)
I, Imre Laszlo Salusinszky, hereby nominate Bryan Adams to chair the UN Convention to Combat Desertification. I have no idea what the agency does, but it seems certain to keep him safely away from music.
The one UN agency for which I cannot pick a leader from the ranks of rock royalty -- simply because there are so many possibilities -- is the Joint Inspection Unit, based in Geneva.
The mind, as we say, boggles.
Washingtons pro Bono worship unnerving
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